When Protection Becomes Destruction: The Hidden Cost of Survival
“The shadows you carry aren’t enemies. They’re reminders of your resilience—and your greatest superpowers waiting to be claimed.”
We celebrate survivors. We praise resilience. We cheer when someone “makes it out.” But almost nobody talks about the cost of survival—the parts of ourselves we lose, the shadows we carry, and the patterns we develop just to stay alive.
I want to share a story that’s raw, unfiltered, and deeply personal: my journey from being abused to adopting survival behaviors that, at times, hurt others—and how that led me to transformation.
The Beginning: When Protection Felt Like the Only Option
I remember being five and staring at my parents, thinking: “This can’t be right.” I even asked my mother, repeatedly, if I was adopted. Surely there was a mistake. Maybe they forgot. Maybe my life wasn’t supposed to be this way.
The truth? The people entrusted with my safety were not reliable sources of protection. They believed they were keeping me safe—but their version of protection came wrapped in chaos, inconsistency, and emotional sabotage.
From that moment, I made a choice—maybe two:
I’d find my “real” parents. Surely, there was a mistake somewhere.
I would do the complete opposite of what I’d experienced. I would survive.
And survive I did—but at a cost.
Armor for Survival: Narcissistic Traits as My Shield
Survival demanded armor. That armor looked like control, hyper-vigilance, and keeping everyone at arm’s length. Over time, it became narcissistic traits.
I wasn’t a monster. I was protecting myself.
But that protection came with consequences. I hurt people—especially in romantic relationships. I chose partners not for connection, but for what they could give me: love, attention, or safety. My relationships were transactional. My armor, while it saved me, also kept me trapped.
“What once protected me, later sabotaged me.”
The cost was steep. I lost parts of myself I didn’t even know were missing. Yet, paradoxically, those traits were heroic in their own way. They saved my life and kept me moving when everything around me felt unsafe.
The Catalyst: When Survival Becomes Harm
Then came the day I hurt someone too deeply—the mirror moment. The patterns that had protected me were now hurting others, and I could no longer ignore the truth.
I realized that chasing “higher, better, bigger love” wasn’t sustainable. I could attain, but I could never truly receive.
And so I made a choice: instead of striving to survive, I would learn how to give love.
Becoming the Catalyst for Change
Here’s the beautiful part: in learning to give, I became a catalyst for someone else’s growth. Healing isn’t about shaming ourselves or others. It’s about asking:
“What is this teaching me?”
“How can I take this change forward?”
Being a survivor isn’t just about living. It’s about understanding what it cost you to live and using that insight to create something better—for yourself and those around you.
“The journey isn’t about perfection. It’s about honesty, accountability, and choosing to give love rather than merely protect yourself.”
My narcissistic traits, my armor, my defense mechanisms—they weren’t flaws to erase. They were tools to understand, unlearn, and redirect.
Lessons for Anyone Walking the Survivor Path
If you’ve ever worn armor to survive, or carried the weight of protection that kept you trapped, know this:
Your shadows are not your enemies.
Your survival strategies can become superpowers when you learn from them.
Transformation is possible when you face your patterns honestly, without judgment, and commit to giving rather than just protecting.
Listen to the Full Story
This blog is just the tip of the iceberg. If you want to hear the full story, including the moment that truly changed everything and how I turned my patterns into tools for love and connection, tune into my podcast: Ditching the Dysfunction. You’ll get the unfiltered, no-BS version—laughs, lessons, and maybe the occasional f-bomb included.
